When Grief Still Feels So Intense

Grief doesn't always arrive when you expect it.

You might wake up and, for a few seconds, forget that they've gone.

Then the remembering comes.

Or you might be doing something completely ordinary, standing in a supermarket or

driving somewhere familiar, when a song, a smell or a small detail suddenly brings

everything back.

For many people, grief comes in waves.

Some days may feel manageable. Others can feel as raw as they did at the beginning.

And sometimes those waves don't seem to become any gentler.

Months pass. Perhaps years.

Life around you continues, but internally you may still feel caught in the loss.

You might be working, looking after your family, answering messages and doing

everything you're expected to do. People may assume you're coping.

But underneath, you may still feel overwhelmed by sadness, longing, anger or an

enormous sense of absence.

Grief doesn't follow a timetable.

And if your grief still feels intensely painful, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.

When grief feels stuck

There isn't one way that prolonged grief feels.

For some people, the pain is always there in the background.

For others, there may be periods of numbness or disbelief, as though the loss hasn't

quite become real.

You might find yourself thinking about the person constantly.

You might replay memories or conversations.

You might desperately want to talk to them, tell them something or simply have them

back.

Or you might avoid thinking about them altogether because allowing yourself to feel

the loss feels unbearable.

You may find that everyday life has become harder too.

Sleep can be affected.

Concentration can become difficult.

Work may require more effort.

Making decisions can feel exhausting.

You might have less patience than you used to, or find yourself withdrawing from

people who care about you.

Sometimes it can feel as though the world has continued without you.

Everyone else seems to be moving forward, while part of you remains in

the moment everything changed.

When the relationship was complicated

Grief isn't always simply about missing someone.

Relationships can be complicated, and so can the feelings we have after someone

dies.

You may love someone deeply and still feel angry with them.

You may miss someone while also feeling hurt by them.

You may feel relief that their suffering has ended, followed by guilt for experiencing

that relief.

There may be things you wish you'd said.

Things you wish had happened differently.

Things you regret.

Or things you are grateful for.

You can experience several of these emotions at once.

Grief doesn't have to make perfect emotional sense.

You don't have to choose between loving someone and being angry with them.

You don't have to turn a complicated relationship into a simple one just because that

person has died.

When a loss brings other things to the surface

Sometimes a bereavement can bring earlier experiences with it.

Previous losses.

Old hurts.

Difficult relationships.

Experiences you've never really had the opportunity to process.

A new loss can sometimes make those feelings feel close again.

You might find yourself grieving not only the person you've lost, but other parts of your

life too.

The future you thought you were going to have.

The family you imagined.

The relationship you hoped might change.

The version of yourself you were before the loss.

This can make grief feel much bigger than the bereavement itself.

You don't have to “move on”

Perhaps one of the most unhelpful things we can hear when we're grieving is:

“You need to move on.”

It sounds simple.

But what does moving on actually mean?

Does it mean forgetting?

Does it mean thinking about them less?

Does it mean feeling happy again?

Does it mean leaving them behind?

For many people, that isn't what they want.

You may not want to let go of the person you've lost.

And you don't have to.

Healing from grief isn't about forgetting someone or pretending the loss didn't happen.

It can be about finding a way to carry the loss while gradually making space for life

around it.

You can continue to love someone and still begin to live again.

When grief affects everything else

Grief can affect much more than your emotions.

It can change your sleep, appetite, energy and concentration.

You may lose interest in things you once enjoyed.

You may find yourself avoiding people because being around others feels exhausting.

You may struggle to imagine a future that feels meaningful.

Sometimes grief can also overlap with anxiety or depression, particularly when you've

been struggling for a long time.

You don't need to work out exactly what is happening before reaching out for support.

You simply need to recognise that things feel difficult and you would like some help.

How counselling can help

Counselling can't change what has happened.

It can't bring someone back.

And it isn't about trying to make you stop grieving.

Instead, counselling can provide a safe and confidential space where you don't have to

make your grief more comfortable for anyone else.

You can talk about the person.

You can talk about what happened.

You can talk about the things you miss.

You can talk about the things that make you angry.

You can talk about guilt, regret, relief or anything else that feels difficult to say out

loud.

There is no need to make your grief neat or acceptable.

You can simply bring it as it is.

Over time, counselling may help you understand your grief, make sense of the

emotions surrounding it and begin to find a way of living alongside the loss.

If you're struggling with grief

Perhaps people around you think you should be feeling better by now.

Perhaps you're wondering why you still feel so affected.

Perhaps you're functioning on the outside but struggling privately.

Or perhaps you simply know that you're finding life difficult since someone you love

died.

You don't have to wait until you reach breaking point before asking for support.

And you don't need to know whether what you're experiencing is “normal grief” or

something else.

If it hurts, it matters.

I offer counselling and psychotherapy in Blackheath, Sevenoaks and online, providing

a warm, confidential space to talk about grief and loss at your own pace.

I currently have new availability in Blackheath on Tuesdays and Fridays, with more

limited availability in Sevenoaks.

If you're considering counselling, you're welcome to book a free introductory call. This

gives you the opportunity to ask questions, talk about what you're experiencing and

get a sense of whether working together feels right for you.

You don't have to carry your grief alone.

Sometimes having somewhere safe to talk can be the beginning of finding a little more

space to breathe.